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Funny Quotes by George Carlin
- Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -…
- The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
- 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
- Always do whatever's next.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
- If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
- I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
- What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin