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Witty Quotes by George Carlin
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -…
- 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
- If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
- If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
- That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If…
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- It's never just a game when you're winning.
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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More Witty Quotes
- Under every stone lurks a politician. — Aristophanes
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- Wit is educated insolence. — Aristotle
- The gods too are fond of a joke. — Aristotle
- It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. — Aristotle
- Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are… — Aristotle
- If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving be me. — Wystan Hugh Auden
- O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. — Saint Augustine
- Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. — Saint Augustine
- One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty. — Jane Austen
- Every problem has a gift for you in its hands. — Richard Bach
- If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. — Tallulah Bankhead