George Carlin Quotes

565 quotes in 5375 categories

• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
• Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to…
• The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on…
• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -…
• The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
• I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own,…
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
• When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
• If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very…
• People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
• Electricity is really just organized lightning.

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