Best George Carlin Quotes
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Alcohol
- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? Crime
- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. Atheism
- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. Communication
- Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. Funny
- If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. Arrange
- There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. Funny
- When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? All
- I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. Allowed
- What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? Board
- In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. Always Speaks
- I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. Better
- You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. All
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. Amount
- There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. Entrepreneur
- If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. Charge
- I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. Always Relieved
- One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. Area
- Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. All
- Religion is just mind control. Comedian
- When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. Brake
- I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. Alzheimer
- The status quo sucks. Inspirational
- At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. Bathroom
- Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting… Been
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