Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

That is a good book which is opened with expectation, and closed with delight and profit. — Amos Bronson Alcott
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. — George Burns
The wide world is all before us - but a world without a friend. — Robert Burns
Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing… — Louisa May Alcott
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.' — William S. Burroughs
I am getting so far out one day I won't come back at all. — William S. Burroughs
Nothing is true, everything is permitted. — William S. Burroughs
Be just and if you can't be just, be arbitrary. — William S. Burroughs
Smash the control images. Smash the control machine. — William S. Burroughs
Housekeeping ain't no joke. — Louisa May Alcott
No rule is so general, which admits not some exception. — Robert Burton
I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin. — Steve Buscemi
I didn't really like the aloneness of doing stand-up. — Steve Buscemi
It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich. — Alan Alda
Have a mind that's open to everything, get attached to nothing. — Gary Busey
I don't like attacking. — Barbara Bush
I'm not going to jump out of airplanes or anything like someone else I know. — Barbara Bush
It was the dumbest thing I had ever seen, but it's a family thing, and I guess it's clean. — Barbara Bush
You can't tell a 6-year-old your sister is going to die. — Barbara Bush
We know what works. Freedom Works. We know what's right. Freedom is right. — George H. W. Bush
Our God is a forgiving God. — George H. W. Bush
You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. — George W. Bush
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be… — George W. Bush
Everywhere that freedom stirs, let tyrants fear. — George W. Bush
A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it. — George W. Bush

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: