Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

I hardly ever go out when I'm home. — Brooke Burke
What a blast it is to be here with Michael Moore. — Madeleine Albright
I just love to experience things. I would do almost anything once. — Brooke Burke
Nothing is so fatal to religion as indifference. — Edmund Burke
The arrogance of age must submit to be taught by youth. — Edmund Burke
We don't stop going to school when we graduate. — Carol Burnett
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. — Carol Burnett
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. — George Burns
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. — George Burns
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness… — George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. — George Burns
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. — George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. — George Burns
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. — George Burns
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. — George Burns
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. — George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. — George Burns
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. — George Burns
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. — George Burns
At my age flowers scare me. — George Burns
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. — George Burns
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money. — George Burns
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. — George Burns
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. — George Burns

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: