“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love… — Jarod Kintz Women Love Men Copy Share Image
“I have a list of people to kill. All but number 33 are my clones. Who’s number 33? Why you are, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was driving on the highway and saw an orange sign on the side of the road that said, “Shoulder Work,” and… — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“I don’t know how to say it without saying it, so I’ll just not say it. Or I could show it, because… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.” — Jarod Kintz Awake at night Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a stamp on a letter, to increase the weight and boost the cost and profitability of… — Jarod Kintz Postal service Copy Share Image
“Elevators are supposed to smell like urine. That's what make the jazz playing through the overhead speakers sound more authentic.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I want to open up a School of Cannibalism. It’ll be a feeder school for top law schools.” — Jarod Kintz Law school Copy Share Image
“The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn’t going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time they’ll rise up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to price my next book and adjust it for the coming hyperinflation. So instead of the normal one dollar price,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for… — Jarod Kintz Nature Copy Share Image
“Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy Copy Share Image
“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-The good guys are coming, boss. What do you want me to do? -Don’t just stand there, you idiot. Ram them with… — Jarod Kintz Good guy Copy Share Image
“Ben Bernanke is like an economist on a misty morning, because he hasn’t the foggiest clue.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Can you tell by where my eyes are looking what I’m thinking? Hint: I’m staring directly at your vagina.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the orangutan of love. OK, who am I kidding? I’m merely the love monkey.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.” — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“I'm not fluent in affluent. Still, I’m grin rich, and my smile stretches from yesterday to tomorrow. You should kiss me on… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz was born in Salt Lake City to a family of five. One father, and four mothers. Jarod moved around a… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“How many ways can I say “I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe is such a gray response. It is the raincloud of answers, and if you say it too much I won’t Noah… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body.” — Jarod Kintz Spirituality Copy Share Image
