“I am the William Wallace of love. Wait, no I’m not, I’m the Robert the Bruce.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).” — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Teach a man to fish, and he can provide for others. Teach a man selfishness, and he’ll only be interested in providing… — Jarod Kintz Selfishness Copy Share Image
“I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you listen to the rain long enough, you’ll eventually soak up the wisdom.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“I walk like a shriveled hippopotamus, I jog like a giraffe with charcoal knees, and I run like never.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give people a little, and they’ll want a lot. Give them a lot, and they’ll only want a little.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This work is the link between my Dear Natalie piece and my upcoming Agatha work. It bridges that lapse in time and… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim… — Jarod Kintz Green grass Copy Share Image
“My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“As she walked away she said Thank you. “Thank you,” I replied. I don’t think she heard me, because again she said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the choir in kissing. Too bad there’s no sing in fornicating. But that doesn’t stop me from hiring a hummer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've never had cyber sex. My penis won't fit in the USB port. . . at least not without lots of lubrication.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When my ex girlfriend left, I was crushed. Why’d she have to drive off in a steamroller?” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.” — Jarod Kintz Learning Copy Share Image
“A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time… — Jarod Kintz Suicide Copy Share Image
“If you replace the letter "s" with the letter "x," you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, "fences"… — Jarod Kintz Good Neighbors Copy Share Image
“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers… — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man?” — Jarod Kintz Normal person Copy Share Image
“I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song called “Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.” — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.” — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“You know what’s right up my alley? Hobos. And they’d better move, because I set up my squatter settlement in this alley… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m acquiring handshakes left and right. I collect introductions, and the best place to procure them is at chamber of commerce networking… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.” — Jarod Kintz Pretty good Copy Share Image
“Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants,… — Jarod Kintz Fellow man Copy Share Image
“My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.” — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
