“My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The smell of sex always reminds me of summer youth camps growing up.” — Jarod Kintz Summer Copy Share Image
“I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker,… — Jarod Kintz Big deal Copy Share Image
“Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.” — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
The dollar isnt worth its weight in gold, and the pound isnt worth its weight in ounces. — Jarod Kintz Gold Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could… — Jarod Kintz Civil war Copy Share Image
“I think a great book title would be “Ida Says ‘I do’ in Idaho.” It would be about a divorce in Washington… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to enhance your social status. Just affix it to the hood of your car, like a Mercedes… — Jarod Kintz Social status Copy Share Image
“Your love is my candy, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to give it away to strange children.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“If you bring bring the karaoke machine, I'll bring the air guitar. Also, if you bring two brings, like I just brought,… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“The doors magically opened without the assistance of modern electronic devices. Instead, they cleverly employed doormen.” — Jarod Kintz Electronic devices Copy Share Image
“Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As far as how my mom might view me, I can imagine her saying something like this to me: “You may be… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your… — Jarod Kintz Fruits and vegetables Copy Share Image
“My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“I often feel like a camel in the mountains, and a goat in the desert. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“By brother is so young that to this day he still doesn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“I have a double-breasted suit. It’s got four nipples stitched on the front (two are faux nipples).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to keep politicians warm, when we kick them all to the street. They’ll be warm, but they’ll be… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you're like an ant. ” — Jarod Kintz Engineering Copy Share Image
“If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz likes writing about himself in the third person, because he really relates to the third person. The odd man out.… — Jarod Kintz Bronze medal Copy Share Image
“Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“One clown sleeping in a car is not tragic. One clown sleeping with your wife in his car—tragic. Especially if you’re inside… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
