“If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m trying to overcome my OCD by replacing my neurosis with three other letters.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
There are an infinite number of reasons to say no. Instead, try to focus on one good reason to say yes. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How will I tell her I didn’t like her ginger snap cookies? Gingerly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I got your love out of the umbrella cabinet. I hope you weren’t saving it for a rainy day.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to weigh less, not through diet and exercise, but by acquiring a faulty scale.” — Jarod Kintz Diet and exercise Copy Share Image
“You should plan ahead, so people know roughly where to start digging to look for you.” — Jarod Kintz Plan Ahead Copy Share Image
“I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I wish to report an attempted murder—on my clone. Someone tried to drink my semen out of beaker number two.” — Jarod Kintz Number Two Copy Share Image
“A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea… — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“There’s no room in my life for a woman. I mean I live in a closet, and I suppose I could squish… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Broke is a relative term, like sister, cousin, or Uncle Sam. ” — Jarod Kintz Uncle sam Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m angry as hell. I’m angry for all the people who should be angry but aren’t, either because they’re too stupid or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my nipples were restart buttons, I’d let you play with my buttocks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Make mine a weasel, I said to the crowd of mostly rodents and lawyers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.” — Jarod Kintz Fred astaire Copy Share Image
“My last phone call was totally uncalled for. Well, not totally. More like 99.88% uncalled for.” — Jarod Kintz Phone call Copy Share Image
“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to scrape earwax out of your ears like the last of the chunky peanut butter in a jar. I’d love… — Jarod Kintz Peanut butter Copy Share Image
“The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The glove compartment of my car is empty, but one of these days, I’m going to fill it with an assortment of… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war. ” — Jarod Kintz Gun violence Copy Share Image
“The conversation went like this: Me: Hello? You left your panties over here. Her: Hello? Me: Oh, hi, grandma! I thought you… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with… — Jarod Kintz Face to face Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity. ” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
“A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina. ” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.” — Jarod Kintz Buried Alive Copy Share Image
“Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back.… — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“After we made love, I didn’t want her to leave. At least not before she did the dishes.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
