I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Just one simple word choice directed at me can throw me into a bad mood and make me believe there’s tension between… — Jarod Kintz Bad mood Copy Share Image
“I had a long, hard day today. 18 inches long, to be exact. I had to deal with a dick all day,… — Jarod Kintz Hard day Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“At first I was excited to go, because I thought I’d been invited to a net twerking event. Imagine how surprised everyone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One Jarod’s a lover, and one Jarod’s a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There were two chairs, but there were three of us. So, being the gentleman I am, I got down on the ground… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so… — Jarod Kintz Allen Ginsberg Copy Share Image
“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“Socialism provides safety in numbers. And that’s OK, if you don’t mind trading your name—your identity and individualism—for a number.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My book is a light read. Seriously, it probably weighs 3.33 ounces. That’s pretty impressive, considering it’s an ebook.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer,… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I sing into burritos like they're microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used in surgery. But personally, I’d rather use a surgeon. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Two hands Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To save the environment—and my childhood memories, I merged a gas station pump with a jukebox. Look, my car now runs on… — Jarod Kintz Childhood memories Copy Share Image
“I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Burn my eyebrows and call me Bette. But if I’ve got eyebrows, don’t call me Bette—call me Davis. Then let’s make love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The growth of my business was amazing. Unfortunately, it grew like a tumor and not like a tree. I really needed to… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’d love to try to sell a blank white canvas to an art dealer. And when he asks what it is, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“If the ink of my writing morphed into ants, would they march along with my thoughts? Would they find my work as… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way. ” — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Bubble gum Copy Share Image
“Danger is the most dangerous word, because it encompasses all the dangerous words like gun, killer, etc.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“The fog scattered the light and spread it thick like mayonnaise. It was late and I was sandwiched between 2011 and 2012,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
