“You can read until you’re blue in the face, but I’d recommend writing until you’re red in the face. And ass.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“It’s a comforting thought knowing that no matter how old I get, I can always get older.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I asked you out to coffee, and you said, “No thanks. I’m a recovering insomniac.” I… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I… — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band. ” — Jarod Kintz Favorite song Copy Share Image
“If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Cloud “Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.” — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“By day I’m a dishwasher in a suit. By night I’m a dishwasher in pajamas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.” — Jarod Kintz Red hair Copy Share Image
“I want to do something for a living that when it comes time to retire and I can stop doing it, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Free time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll refer my clones to businesses and negotiate a better price for myself. And for myselves.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“If you won’t turn your back to face me, then I won’t even bother stabbing you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.” — Jarod Kintz Sisters Copy Share Image
“I didn’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be invited.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the best Betsy the world’s ever unknown, and I wish people respected my privacy enough to spy on me and… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy. ” — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.” — Jarod Kintz Drink water Copy Share Image
“It's really hard to drive, talk on the phone, and jack off at the same time. And, amazingly, nobody in the back… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When trying to find the words to tell her how much I loved her, I stumbled across the ingredients for grilled cheese… — Jarod Kintz Grilled cheese Copy Share Image
“Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enough, but how shitty do I feel getting a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I love the smell of cleanliness. That’s what the inside of my nostrils smell like, naturally.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I looked him in the eyes and said, “I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when… — Jarod Kintz Eye contact Copy Share Image
“She made amazing artwork. While I focused on the absurd, trying to make the strangest juxtapositions possible, her work was delicate and… — Jarod Kintz Richard Dawkins Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent no, and a blanket could be used to represent yes. If I ask you, “Will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
