“I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.” — Jarod Kintz Sex sells Copy Share Image
“A funeral home is like a grocery store of death. Are there any discounts in the meat department?” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up… — Jarod Kintz Memory Copy Share Image
“I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze,… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is made up of only one thing: the now. The past and the future could be considered dreams, if only they… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions… — Jarod Kintz Dog food Copy Share Image
“I’m training for my wedding, because I’m going to be running down the aisle—in the opposite direction of the alter and my… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to… — Jarod Kintz Good wife Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a half, I’d split it in half and share it with you. That’s love. Then I’d go find the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.” — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She was dressed as a nearly invisible shower, wearing only a raincoat, and I sold her an umbrella that would shield her… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.” — Jarod Kintz Physics Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dated an IRS agent, and I cheated on her. Not with a woman, but on my taxes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“What is life without death? That's like asking what is peanut butter without jelly? Or a baseball game on TV and changing… — Jarod Kintz Ball game Copy Share Image
I may not be a horse whisperer, but I certainly can and do shout at unicorns. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit… — Jarod Kintz Helping humanity Copy Share Image
“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a word I’m not saying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.” — Jarod Kintz Old age Copy Share Image
“The baby looked at me as if to say, You never stop to consider my life. I looked back as if to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I can fly a plane, but I can’t fly a planet. Not without a seatbelt the size of the equator. The way… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to believe an eight-foot tall man can come out of a tight vagina. Obviously, mothers of really tall men must… — Jarod Kintz Hard to believe Copy Share Image
Chivalry, stimulating conversations, everything is said to be a lost art nowadays. But nothing is a lost art, unless its a sunken… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Plant trees. It’s a way to improve the future from the ground up.” — Jarod Kintz Farm Copy Share Image
