“But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to sign a treaty with a cripple that will be both valid and, like the owner of the other signature,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m writing a book, one letter at a time. After thirteen days, I just finished writing “Once upon a time.” Since it’s… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won't read a book whose pages have been dog-eared, because I'm more of a cat person.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“He’s got the curly Irish hair. You can’t eat him because he might be your father, and you’ll spoil your dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead… — Jarod Kintz Corn on the cob Copy Share Image
“I am terrified of heights, sharks, and spiders, so I am not into skydiving, surfing, or camping. I am the epitome of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat has long hair. Like a hippy. It gets annoying because I can’t get him to shut up about Vietnam. I… — Jarod Kintz Long hair Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become an Olympic swimmer. Tie the brick around your legs and have a friend… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Order for Jarod,” she said as I walked over to pick it up. This was it, this was my moment. Rebecca has… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sexist. I also got mine a lawnmower.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I placed a handwritten note on the front door of my neighbor’s house that said, “Sorry, we’re closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Front door Copy Share Image
“If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was less than the value of the money… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I want to write a story about an asexual unicycle who refuses to let a unicorn ride it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He looked like a raccoon, so I told him to take off his coonskin cap. So he did. Then he looked like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I only get information from mutes, because they’re sure to keep things quiet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“I don’t wear boat shoes—I wear yacht shoes. It’s not just that they’re bigger, but I had to hire a captain to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person’s not a little impulsive, they don’t have a pulse.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy night. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.” — Jarod Kintz Fog Copy Share Image
“Music can elevate man to new heights. Especially elevator music.” — Jarod Kintz Music Copy Share Image
“He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm,… — Jarod Kintz Common cold Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your… — Jarod Kintz Too long Copy Share Image
“Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear… — Jarod Kintz Liars And Thieves Copy Share Image
“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used as billboards on buildings, especially hotels, if you write things like, “Free sex with room.” ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“An invisible wall of super condensed jelly would make a great shield to stop bullets and sarcasm.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
