“What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.” — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money. ” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“If your nipples were on your eyelids, then and only then would I give you eye contact while you are talking to… — Jarod Kintz Eye contact Copy Share Image
“Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is… — Jarod Kintz Hot sauce Copy Share Image
“Hair grows out of moles, and for this reason I wish I had a row of moles above my upper lip. It’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can tell you what I wasn’t doing when I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to: I was doing what I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I'm still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thanks,” I said, “have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get… — Jarod Kintz Great day Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found,… — Jarod Kintz Cat lady Copy Share Image
“While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time—Feb 14,… — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“I recognized Rebecca immediately, though it is doubtful whether I registered on her radar. We had a graphic design class together. I… — Jarod Kintz Graphic design Copy Share Image
“His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is… — Jarod Kintz Moon landing Copy Share Image
“Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum. ” — Jarod Kintz Chewing gum Copy Share Image
“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s invisible, I can’t remember if it’s there or not. And not only that, but I can’t even remember what it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just… — Jarod Kintz Pete Rose Copy Share Image
“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to… — Jarod Kintz Early morning Copy Share Image
“You may have to dish out more love than me, but I have more love to dish out. Also, it’s your turn… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Well excuse me! How was I supposed to know that a pink baseball cap with a dildo glued on top isn’t a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the choir in kissing. Too bad there’s no sing in fornicating. But that doesn’t stop me from hiring a hummer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There are three bowls: One contains Should, one contains Would, and one contains Could. All three bowls are empty.” — Jarod Kintz Could Copy Share Image
“Science doesn’t listen. Science has mice growing out of its ears. Wait, I mean human ears growing out of its mice.” — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
“I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I want to do something so hard so easily, and I want to do it with no hands. Only gloves. Love will… — Jarod Kintz Fill the void Copy Share Image
“I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of… — Jarod Kintz Alarm clock Copy Share Image
“Turn the fan off when I’m talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I’m saying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
