“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think homeless people, like rainwater, are better off in street gutters, rather than just hanging out on my roof.” — Jarod Kintz Homeless people Copy Share Image
“If you can be quiet, you’re more than welcome to stay in my House of Silence. Bring your own bubblegum ice cream.… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“If I had a clone, he’d better be my equal, and not my better. Can you imagine how I’d feel being jealous… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was 18 I got bitten by a snake, and since then I have refused to vote for either a Republican… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In 1,000 pages of Orafoura’s novel, I noticed he repeated one word twice. It really stood out to me. The word? Sit.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to sign a treaty with a cripple that will be both valid and, like the owner of the other signature,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener… — Jarod Kintz Best day Copy Share Image
“I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down… — Jarod Kintz Friday Copy Share Image
“If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it.… — Jarod Kintz Glow in the dark Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a… — Jarod Kintz Meeting new people Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“After I had my computer about a month, I finally figured out how to turn it on. (Hint: hitting it in various… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I started writing to get women, or rather a particular woman, and I continue writing because it’s now a compulsion.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If all the centenarians formed their own country, they’d be both the youngest country in the world, and the oldest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits. ” — Jarod Kintz Lift your spirits Copy Share Image
“Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on… — Jarod Kintz Number Two Copy Share Image
“My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“He’s pale, bald, and bony. He looks like a skeleton. And that, my friend, is precisely why I keep him in my… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
“I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I packed my lunch with lots of meat. It was easy. I just wrapped my cock in tinfoil. I’m ready to work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.” — Jarod Kintz Safety Copy Share Image
“A blanket could make a good hood on a car, because it’s flat and warm and I don’t currently have a hood.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth… — Jarod Kintz Peanut butter Copy Share Image
“The wind chime sounded like a spoon clanging against a cereal bowl, and I was glad I was having soup for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Wind Chime Copy Share Image
“I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator… — Jarod Kintz Long day Copy Share Image
“If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“If I’m having sex during an earthquake, would I get a refund on all those quarters I just put in the vibrating… — Jarod Kintz Having sex Copy Share Image
“A uniform is like a paint job on a person. I like women who drive cars that are painted like Catholic school… — Jarod Kintz School girl Copy Share Image
“Competitively, I’m looking for the edge. I need to shave off inefficiencies and get rid of this Beard of Mediocrity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
