“Hellos are ascending in speed, not slowing down like goodbyes. I may say hi as I swerve my car to greet you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Helen Keller, she just can’t see how much I love her. Also, she acts like she can’t hear my crying out for… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“To know is good, but to know how to use that knowledge is better. And to acknowledge the wisdom in this is… — Jarod Kintz Knowledge Copy Share Image
“If you go out on a limb, I’ll be right behind you. Not to have your back, but to cut off your… — Jarod Kintz Solitude Copy Share Image
“If I ever decide to kill you, you’d be the first to know about it. (And hopefully the only person to know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had amber-colored eyes. Or maybe they were blue, and I was confusing their color with her name, which was Amber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified… — Jarod Kintz Florence nightingale Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your… — Jarod Kintz Less fortunate Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so… — Jarod Kintz Dark Copy Share Image
“A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated.… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show how patient you are. Somewhere between one brick and a million bricks lies a home.… — Jarod Kintz Wealthy Man Copy Share Image
“Online social networks are cups. Nobody cares which cup they drink from—they only care about the beverage inside, the content. When you… — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. Thats why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine. — Jarod Kintz Fishing Copy Share Image
“I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A great way to steal other people’s stuff is to build a vault and have them voluntarily store their own stuff there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.” — Jarod Kintz Toilet paper Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
“I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept… — Jarod Kintz Two months Copy Share Image
“In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full. That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.” — Jarod Kintz Morning coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Even a broken mirror isn’t broken if it allows you to see who you really are—cracked down the middle in your duality.” — Jarod Kintz Broken mirror Copy Share Image
“I rearranged the letters of the word “Wisdom” and got “swimod.” Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.” — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“From a distance it looked like a dog, but it was just a smashed and beaten box. Still, I’m glad I swerved… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
