“A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC. ” — Jarod Kintz Washington dc Copy Share Image
“I’m on a shoestring budget, which means I don’t have any extra money to buy the surrounding shoes to even lace up.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Do I see value? My gut says no, but I’m willing to bet on things that may pay off big if I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll only blow my nose into green handkerchiefs. Why? Because all my brown hankies are reserved for wiping my ass.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“The phrase “In the blink of an eye” is misleading, because one eye closing and opening is not a blink—it’s a wink.” — Jarod Kintz Blink of an eye Copy Share Image
“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because… — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the pound is that I can only choose one. If I… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Dear Natalie, In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my bedroom was like a garage, only much smaller and with more lawnmowers in it (we had to store them… — Jarod Kintz Dining room Copy Share Image
“Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enough, but how shitty do I feel getting a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Fall Copy Share Image
“I’m one washing machine away from throwing in the towel. But I’m not a quitter. I’m also out of laundry detergent.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love… — Jarod Kintz Corn flakes Copy Share Image
“He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die,… — Jarod Kintz Work hard Copy Share Image
“I was looking for a reassuring hand to hold and steady my own, and I finally found it on the other side… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do onto others what others won’t do for themselves. If they won’t save their money, I’ll save their money for them.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.” — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes with my wallet, which is… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you I love you. You know I do. And I’m not just saying that because… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.” — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“Gather the wheelchairs in a circle, and then summon the cripples. Would anybody care for a glass of discrimination?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park… — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on… — Jarod Kintz Close to my heart Copy Share Image
