“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans… — Jarod Kintz American people Copy Share Image
“2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a cliff, and I’ll jump, Don’t call it a bluff, or call my bluff. And don’t call me Cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to direct a movie called “Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like… — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“I designed a dress out of scotch tape. If you wear my dress, you can be dressed and undressed at the same… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’ll exhale hot breath into my palm before touching you, because I have cold hands, and also because your hands smell like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.” — Jarod Kintz Programming Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love can’t spread its wings and fly, because love is an ostrich. But it can sure run fast!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ve only been with my girlfriend for three days, but it feels like a lifetime—the lifetime of a gnat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I started writing to get women, or rather a particular woman, and I continue writing because it’s now a compulsion.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. ” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.” — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair… — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
“I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy you a dress at half price, and hopefully half as much cloth was used and it’s twice as short as… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Don’t be selfish and keep your thoughts locked in the cage called your skull. Free your mind, release your thoughts into the… — Jarod Kintz Free your mind Copy Share Image
“A mine divided in two isn’t as preferential as a yours divided in two. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself. ” — Jarod Kintz Close your eyes Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In middle school, I spent a lot of time with my buddy Edward. I called him Sex Ed, not because he got… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.” — Jarod Kintz Open your eyes Copy Share Image
“Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday led me to today, which will lead me to tomorrow. Follow me, but stay a day behind.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
