“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh.… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“You don’t have to tell me why, if you tell me why you won’t tell me why. Or at the very least… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs. — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“My love is a flower shaped like a snowflake. It won’t melt, so perhaps ice cream should be made out of it.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase… — Jarod Kintz Falling asleep Copy Share Image
“What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver,… — Jarod Kintz Broken marriage Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t make my doctor’s appointment because I was tied up. I’ll tell you, being kidnapped can be a real inconvenience.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like… — Jarod Kintz Having sex Copy Share Image
“The bullpen in a baseball park is the best place for matador training.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I show up at a networking event, I’m like a tree in a forest. Sure, I look like everybody else, but… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“If we built a boat out of our love, she’d build an ark, while I’d build a canoe.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When the going gets tough, the tough give thanks for their mountain bike. I’m so rugged even cavemen would call me Xtreme.… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“If love were a faucet, I’d not only continue, but I’d increase the frequency with which I wash my penis in the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There’s a mime convention this weekend, so things should be pretty quiet around town. It’s possible that your pubic hair makes me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Backing yourself into a corner is a terrible strategy, in that it leaves you nowhere to run. But it’s brilliant in that… — Jarod Kintz Strategy Copy Share Image
“You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third grade shuttle run to prove it. I’ve kept… — Jarod Kintz First place Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I’m not selfish. I’d gladly give someone’s life, a more valuable life than my own, while I humbly preserve and keep my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To not feel like such a “third wheel,” I rode my tricycle to the restaurant where they were having their first date.… — Jarod Kintz First date Copy Share Image
“I like spending time with my family. And if you have the same last name as me, we might be family. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“Don’t think for a minute that I can trust you with 60 seconds.” — Jarod Kintz Trust Copy Share Image
“It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could fly, life would be amazing. But paraplegic people say the same thing about walking, and I freaking hate walking.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I love conducting double blind experiments with unsuspecting peeping Toms.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her last name is Bunch, but her first name isn’t Brady. And there was a bunch of her (she was obese). Still,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
