“I laced up my sneakers, but not with the intention to sneak around. I was just going to skulk for a bit,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am in possession of the love cannon. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but please don’t take this the wrong… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m no Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I have the definition of a dictionary. If you admire my calves now, just wait a few… — Jarod Kintz Arnold schwarzenegger Copy Share Image
“The devil appears in many forms, but the most nefarious of all are tax forms.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“My book is called “Blue Collar.” That’s just a working title.” — Jarod Kintz Blue collar Copy Share Image
“The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache—on a man who runs his mouth all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?” — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“U2 makes music for guys who have ears and can hear. But U2 makes concert imagery for guys who need visual stimulation… — Jarod Kintz Concerts Copy Share Image
“If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength.… — Jarod Kintz Heavy burden Copy Share Image
“I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, except of course, not as lucky.” — Jarod Kintz Winning the lottery Copy Share Image
“Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.” — Jarod Kintz New car Copy Share Image
“It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I… — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy… — Jarod Kintz Blonde hair Copy Share Image
“I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I had a sort of hooray! experience in front of the mirror today. I saw myself for who I really am—a scrawny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A quarter is a half of a half, which makes it more half than a whole half. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go… — Jarod Kintz Technology Copy Share Image
“His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in place of B. Rick, who is sorry he couldn’t make it to this sentence. But he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Andrew is such a diplomatic name. Or at least it is for the first three letters, as and is a word that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a hair in my soup. That’s the problem of using my helmet as a bowl.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner party Copy Share Image
“If my nipples lactated mustard, I’d wear a bra made out of two hamburger buns.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
