“Her message was short: “Any kids?” So I wrote, “Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You may have to dish out more love than me, but I have more love to dish out. Also, it’s your turn… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.” — Jarod Kintz Oh yeah Copy Share Image
“When it doesn’t matter to you, that’s where I’ll find the most matter. The pile of trash builds up just as fast… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Don’t search for a void to fill. Find a vacuum to carpet. Let this be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could change one thing about myself, I’d pick a new nose, because I’m tired of picking this one. Oh, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The cheese was riddled with holes, and it was a riddle to me what kind it was. All I know is my… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be so successful that my secretary needs a secretary.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“When I tap my car’s brakes, my horn beeps. Don’t make me flick on my windshield wipers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.” — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“If you give me a gift, it’d be insulting to pay you, because I’d be denying you the gift of giving. So… — Jarod Kintz Gift Of Giving Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The book wasn’t half bad. But only because I only read half of it.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I shaved my mustache off the asphalt, like a tire’s skid mark, looped it around itself, and rode it like a unicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I collect sounds. I store most of them in my ears, but some, like the sneeze, I store in my nose. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can't be extinct if people aren't even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don't know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not Hispanic, I’m His panic. Who is He? He is the startled.” — Jarod Kintz Anxiety Copy Share Image
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“My asshole smells like chlorine, so I hope you brought some goggles.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In middle school, Renaldo was voted most likely to vote in a Presidential election. But he was the most obvious choice to… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“My favorite smells are freshly baked bread, the pages of an old book, and they way my boss’ ass smells when he’s… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
