“Contribute to No More Lies Dot Org. Every dollar you donate will bring us 75 cents closer to the truth.” — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“My name is heroic. You just have to rearrange all the letters, and possibly replace a few.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I find it more polite when I yawn without opening my mouth. I also talk this way too, with my mouth closed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.” — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“I’m feeling a little under the weather. But once I open my umbrella, I’m sure I’ll begin to feel better.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm really going to freak out if I don't get into Histrionics 101. And if I get in, I'll also freak out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“But I had come down here for a reason. I was looking for Thor. It was Saturday, so he was most likely… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to… — Jarod Kintz Early morning Copy Share Image
“After dinner I told her I wouldn’t put away the plates, because I might cause an earthquake (plate tectonics).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!” — Jarod Kintz Hard time Copy Share Image
“I keep my socks in a filing cabinet, if that tells you what kind of lover I am.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kicked in.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooked me. And I asked for medium rare.… — Jarod Kintz Well done Copy Share Image
“A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a… — Jarod Kintz Laughter Copy Share Image
If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, dont knock it. — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I think astronaut's helmets need to have Viking horns affixed to the side, to let any aliens we might encounter know that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.” — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To Do Today, 1/17/08 1. Sit and think 2. Reach enlightenment 3. Feed the cats” — Jarod Kintz Buddhism Copy Share Image
“I’m a big cat lover, so I thought it’d be cool to join the Black Panther party. But can you believe it,… — Jarod Kintz Black panther Copy Share Image
“If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!” — Jarod Kintz Microsoft word Copy Share Image
“I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Today somebody asked me if I had to lose one of my senses, which would I choose? “Oh my God,” I said,… — Jarod Kintz Oh my god Copy Share Image
“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
