“I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom!… — Jarod Kintz Digging deep Copy Share Image
“I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in… — Jarod Kintz Master Of Disguise Copy Share Image
“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.” — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart… — Jarod Kintz Grocery store Copy Share Image
“I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.” — Jarod Kintz Having kids Copy Share Image
“Money is seen as a great evil. But I've never seen a pile of cash stab someone.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I collect orgasms. Unfortunately, lately I’ve been selling more than I’ve been buying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They settled out of court. In related news, two fish fought over an aquarium, rather than in the aquarium.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just… — Jarod Kintz Pete Rose Copy Share Image
“Her boyfriend can’t hold a candle to me. Especially not while I’m holding the strobe light. It’s hard to do modern dancing… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We… — Jarod Kintz Ex wife Copy Share Image
“Everybody loves you, but not as much as me. I love you more than any single person, and all the single people… — Jarod Kintz Body love Copy Share Image
“My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.” — Jarod Kintz Loving nature Copy Share Image
“I fell in love, but she wasn’t there to pick me up. So I took a taxi.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is snowy, like the raincloud I left in the freezer. I would ski on the slope of your kiss, but I’d… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.” — Jarod Kintz April fool Copy Share Image
“Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be given away at the Olympics, instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals. If all a champion… — Jarod Kintz Bronze medal Copy Share Image
“The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as disbelief. I can tell you believe me, so why don’t you go ahead and hold this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This book does not exist. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be worth buying or reading.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Dear Ian, I felt good. I felt like a Christian to the T. Also to the Chris, Ian.” — Jarod Kintz Christian Copy Share Image
“I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.” — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“My cat will love you more than me. He won’t love you more than he loves me, but he will love you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Someone, probably Orafoura, once asked me what’s my favorite part of love, and my answer then, just like it is now, is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
