“After months of training, I broke the record. Then right after that I celebrated by scratching all my CDs.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.” — Jarod Kintz Giving birth Copy Share Image
“I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late… — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“If you want to know what love is for, the answer is “other people.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ll flick a penny to the dirt, and if I see one on the ground I won’t pick it up. So why… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t chop off your fingers because you have an itch. That’d be dumb. Instead, take a scalpel and try extracting the effected… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the… — Jarod Kintz Bad idea Copy Share Image
“When I first heard merry-go-round, I thought, “Does she? I didn’t know Mary was a slut.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ate the evidence he’d been murdered. What Carl called “Kevin,” I called dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning… — Jarod Kintz Loss Copy Share Image
“I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“We need more upright citizens in this country. Everybody is just lying down as if asleep to the issues. And those who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.” — Jarod Kintz Human life Copy Share Image
“I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the… — Jarod Kintz Music Copy Share Image
“A crime scene is a silent witness that speaks louder and clearer than any human. Just ask Helen Keller.” — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“I’m not a murderer, though I have killed off billions of alternate me’s. They don’t exist because of me and my actions.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s invisible, I can’t remember if it’s there or not. And not only that, but I can’t even remember what it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ears of corn can listen better than me when they’re still in the ground.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A good day is when the Oscar Meyer hotdogmobile crashes into a truck carrying Heinz ketchup, because who doesn’t like free hotdogs… — Jarod Kintz Good day Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee.… — Jarod Kintz Starbucks Coffee Copy Share Image
“Just because I’m hung up over my ex girlfriend, doesn’t mean I won’t hang up on her. Hell, I’ve already been put… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Women are referred to as the fairer sex. But are they really less tan, or are they just more reasonable?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the open, empty palm. You may call it ingratitude, bearing no gifts, but I call it half of a handshake.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.” — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re in the eye of a hurricane, you may be lulled into believing it’s a peaceful Cyclops.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
