“Would you mind washing my feet? I’m a centipede, so it may take you a century.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“From a distance it looked like a dog, but it was just a smashed and beaten box. Still, I’m glad I swerved… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“If there were a speedometer that went from 0-1, that’d measure how fast I fell in love with you. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also… — Jarod Kintz Dog food Copy Share Image
“My fur coat is still wet, not from the rain, but from where my cat was licking it. Well, my future fur… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to… — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My lawn has brown spots. They’re not dead patches, they’re piles of poop. When you walk on the grass, try not to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A… — Jarod Kintz Long hours Copy Share Image
“I’m so shy I make Bigfoot look like a socialite. Networking’s not a mystery to me—but I’m mythical to networking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I’m going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive… — Jarod Kintz Bad mood Copy Share Image
“How do you run with confidence and insulation?” Orafoura asked me. ”I don’t know,” I replied, “asbestos you can.” “No,” he replied.… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to… — Jarod Kintz Straight face Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“God gave man two ears and one penis hole for a reason. I’m not sure what that reason is, but I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A miracle every day would cease to be miraculous—it would be mundane. Though even a boring sunset is still glorious.” — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t make a free throw if the basket were as big as the Grand Canyon. But I’d love to ride a… — Jarod Kintz Free throw Copy Share Image
“The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She gave me the cold shoulder, so I heated it up in the microwave. Sometimes #love is leftovers.” — Jarod Kintz Cold shoulder Copy Share Image
“I used to drive a parking lot, and I’d always park it directly under somebody’s car.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called—you guessed it—Cock Tease.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fredrick gazed into the deep blue eyes of Jackson for a few seconds before answering. “I’d like the best room in the… — Jarod Kintz Number Two Copy Share Image
“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
“I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t just love you, I love you a 9.7. I would love you a 10, but who do you think you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Messages written across the chest of women’s t-shirts are great, because I can stare at their tits like they are literature.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
