“A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll take off my coat in the restaurant and drape it over my pants, which I’ll drape over your chair. I hope… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only… — Jarod Kintz Right thing Copy Share Image
“I had no direction until I merged into the left lane. Some people find God. I found my blinker.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts… — Jarod Kintz Philosophy of Mind Copy Share Image
“She doesn’t return my phone calls. I’d like them back, unopened.” — Jarod Kintz Phone calls Copy Share Image
“There are three things I look for in a woman to potentially date, and one of them is neither her breasts or… — Jarod Kintz Three things Copy Share Image
“People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to… — Jarod Kintz Early bird Copy Share Image
“When I have to be in two places at once, my mind at once decides twice which one place to be in.” — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“We made love like oysters, and then we ate oysters. Then we made love like two people sitting on opposite ends of… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Having a clone to bounce ideas off of would be a way to generate more ideas. Another way would be to build… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.” — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Your dog looks dirty. You could give it a bath, or I could piss on it for free. Or you could pay… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.” — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
“I can read people like an open book, especially if their named Braille, and I’m in a touchy-feely mood.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed in the trunk of a car manufacturer’s competitor, to increase the odds of decreasing their fuel efficiency. ” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
“Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.” — Jarod Kintz Walking Copy Share Image
“I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the… — Jarod Kintz Quit drinking Copy Share Image
“If the status quo came carbonated in a can, I’d shake things up.” — Jarod Kintz Status quo Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Well, unless all your critics are mutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money, like a person whose first name is Money, shouldn’t be what you spend your time fantasizing about. And the same goes… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“You want to tell me what this is? she asked as she gabbed my erection. “A miracle of science,” I replied.” — Jarod Kintz Miracles Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up instead.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t believe in astronomy. Or is it astrology? I always get those two confused. But I’ll tell you, that Copernicus was… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
