“I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm full of surprises. I'm also full of semen—and sometimes that's the surprise. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the face. That’s why I sent him… — Jarod Kintz Saying please Copy Share Image
“Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?” — Jarod Kintz Generation x Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the ultimate bug crusher. But why you’d use a brick as a shoe, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there… — Jarod Kintz Finish line Copy Share Image
“I am my own tornado. Instead of panicking, I run in circles and scream.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“The prospective buyer said, “Name your price.” So I replied, “OK, how about Ralph Isaac Papov?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My bedroom is a bit small for my taste. For my taste, I prefer the kitchen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you had a clone, I wouldn’t care which one of you two I dated. It’d be the same thing to me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a secret knock. It’s so secret that I never use it, lest you hear my knuckles knocking and try to… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“I’d never trust a surgeon who didn’t wear gloves when he operated. Even if those gloves he didn’t wear were boxing gloves.… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean,… — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace the dollar as the world’s reserve currency. Don’t laugh, because at least the brick is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for a while, but if you actually… — Jarod Kintz Soccer ball Copy Share Image
“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“There is nothing right about the triangle known as Bermuda. The only thing right is the knowledge you’ll be left behind if… — Jarod Kintz Bermuda triangle Copy Share Image
“It’s a new subject to me, and I’m just starting to get confused. The middle is the muddle, and the end is… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).” — Jarod Kintz Perfect days Copy Share Image
“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Don’t show me how I messed up, because I don’t need to be shown. Clearly if I’ve messed up once, I can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.” — Jarod Kintz Grand canyon Copy Share Image
“A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“In 50 years, I’m going to tell my grandchildren, “Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
