“I want to write a book called, “Son, I’m dying,” where I visualize the day my estranged dad calls me out of… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about a superhero’s cape is it doubles as a blanket when your nemesis uses his freeze gun on you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off.” — Jarod Kintz Women Love Copy Share Image
“A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a triangle, but I’m always two angles short. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.” — Jarod Kintz Youth Copy Share Image
“In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle,… — Jarod Kintz Doubt Copy Share Image
“In high school I attended a magnet school—for refrigerators.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“There’s a relentless wave of WTF coming out of Washington DC.” — Jarod Kintz Washington dc Copy Share Image
“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As the sound a duck makes, I feel qualified to give medical advice. My wisdom will cost you some bread, but it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I am the sphinx of love. But I didn’t used to be. I used to be a sphink—which has the head of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel like this. Sometimes I feel like that. I wish I could be more specific, but that’s how I feel—vague.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.” — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“I don't think any man could solve the world's problems overnight, myself included. You'd better give me at least two days.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. And you can’t fake a sneeze. Maybe that’s why I like sneezing into… — Jarod KIntz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Social progress: for the same price as last year, I get a slimmer candy bar, less chips per bag, and I have… — Jarod Kintz Candy bar Copy Share Image
“I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found,… — Jarod Kintz Cat lady Copy Share Image
“Through the fog Orafoura said, “Those people are black.” “I know,” I said, “they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an… — Jarod Kintz Arnold Palmer Copy Share Image
“In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that's logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens… — Jarod Kintz Lala Land Copy Share Image
“I want a Snuggle Sandwich—hold the pickle. Make it a combo and upsize it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not… — Jarod Kintz Having sex Copy Share Image
“I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
