“The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Let the best of your competition take out the rest of your competition, while you rest and then take out only that… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A… — Jarod Kintz Big idea Copy Share Image
“If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I'd reply, "Why thank you. I think I will!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody. ” — Jarod Kintz Intelligence Copy Share Image
“4:00 am—it’s not too early to drink wine, it’s too late. Too late by seven minutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Too early Copy Share Image
“Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind… — Jarod Kintz Lonely people Copy Share Image
“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“After a shower, I like to let gravity and evaporation dry me off as I stretch out naked in the sun on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends… — Jarod Kintz Mom Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it… — Jarod Kintz Cold night Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like a slice of French toast trying to act like an English muffin.” — Jarod Kintz French toast Copy Share Image
“At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“The answer is three, I said as I held up three fingers—my middle through my pinky—and I formed a loop with my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can… — Jarod Kintz Reality tv Copy Share Image
“She had two leaves for feat. Maple, I think. She was flat-footed and always ready to leave. That’s why I tried to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard… — Jarod Kintz Gorgeous Woman Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.” — Jarod Kintz Home Copy Share Image
“The phrase “In the blink of an eye” is misleading, because one eye closing and opening is not a blink—it’s a wink.” — Jarod Kintz Blink of an eye Copy Share Image
“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on the menu looked tempting, but after careful deliberation,… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’m a felon, though I haven’t been arrested for it. I’m guilty of stealing large quantities of love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My office window overlooks a parking lot. I’ve got the best view on the whole submarine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead… — Jarod Kintz Credit card Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
