“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The lawyer said he couldn’t take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“When 100 people in a room are all talking about me, is it called networking—or the benefits of cloning?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Secure victory before you celebrate. Only a fool dances before crossing the finish line first.” — Jarod Kintz Celebrate Copy Share Image
“Sit in a small chair. It’s easier to have people to look up to this way.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I long for your love like shortness of breath. Somebody get me an inhaler!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a car salesman. (A used car salesman.) ” — Jarod Kintz Car salesman Copy Share Image
“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers… — Jarod Kintz Founding fathers Copy Share Image
“When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.” — Jarod Kintz Fried chicken Copy Share Image
“If my moles migrated like tiny buffaloes, then I’d let you hunt on my skin and camp out on my nipples. We… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you about love on one condition: that you give it to me unconditionally.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.” — Jarod Kintz Walking around Copy Share Image
“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your… — Jarod Kintz Breeze Copy Share Image
“Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven… — Jarod Kintz Unsung Heroes Copy Share Image
“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I need to lay low for a while. I’ll be on my stomach, trying not to arch my back (damn scoliosis).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With cars I like newer models, but with people I like older models. Why aren’t there more walkers on fashion runways?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A whisper is like the shadow of a shout. My shout’s a little too green if I let it grow in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a university’s colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way my mirror presents me. It’s biased.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My voice is raspy, like Rasputin’s beard. My love is like a mustache hidden in a patch of armpit hair. Come, feel… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“You can call me Dr. Love. I’ve got a PhD from Cupid University. My degree came with a side order of fries… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.”… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.” — Jarod Kintz Positive Copy Share Image
“If rubber bands played basketball, I’d tell them, You have to be better down the stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“Ben had never seen another hotel quite like The Mandrake. The valets were all dressed like Roman Centurions, the Doorman was dressed… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a… — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t work security at the dodge ball factory, but I was a bouncer.” — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“If my clone weren’t dead, or rather not in nonexistence, he would have probably killed me by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
