“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I answered the door in my towel.… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The best part about being a waiter is all that waiting. Use that time wisely. Try making it as an actor.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Two mustaches walk into a bar, and the bartender said, “Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. Thats why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine. — Jarod Kintz Fishing Copy Share Image
“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to perpetually feed the hungry, stop all wars, educate the masses, and ensure everlasting peace for all… — Jarod Kintz Peace Copy Share Image
“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say… — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“Don’t let your inability to see get in the way of your vision.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Writer’s want to write something that’ll live forever. I don’t. What do I care if my writing lives forever if I won’t?… — Jarod Kintz Live forever Copy Share Image
“I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and… — Jarod Kintz Organized crime Copy Share Image
“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.” — Jarod Kintz Cat love Copy Share Image
“I opened a storefront with a 6’ ceiling. I did it for the low overhead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how… — Jarod Kintz Team Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy your product and then return your product, and tell you to keep my money, so it feels more like a… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun… — Jarod Kintz Ur Eyes Copy Share Image
“When you pee in the sink, you don’t have to flush. Your hands are also right there, so you have no excuse… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be the fastest runner than the best fighter. But then I am a supreme coward.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.” — Jarod Kintz March Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that… — Jarod Kintz Summer Copy Share Image
“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.” — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.” — Jarod Kintz Patience Copy Share Image
“It seems like I never have any time. I should have never stopped being a watch salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“A blanket could make a good hood on a car, because it’s flat and warm and I don’t currently have a hood.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
