“-My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My name is Aviva. It’s not male, and it’s not female, but it is a palindrome—which makes it hermaphroditic, as it occupies… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“One of my seminars is “Leadership in the 20th century: How being a century behind still puts you ahead of all your… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next… — Jarod Kintz Freedom Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time. ” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim. That’s how I learned… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had an ass behind her that went on for days. In fact, I’m still talking about her.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it! ” — Jarod Kintz Two lovers Copy Share Image
“A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I pitted two ditch diggers against each other, to see who could dig a pit the fastest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like Tuesday at noon, even though it was Thursday at 3:00, and then again at 3:03. (I have the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day,… — Jarod Kintz Every day Copy Share Image
“I never understood the term “Ass hat.” Not until I misplaced my Fedora, and decided to cover up my disheveled hair with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m dropping by. I may hit a few red lights, so I’ll be there in thirteen hours.” — Jarod Kintz Red light Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she'd say I bit a romantic. I bit… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my… — Jarod Kintz Tuesday Copy Share Image
“I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass of saltwater with a side order of desert.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“So that was how I spent nine months of my life. I felt like I was pregnant, except instead of giving life,… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could, I’d eat love for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And for in-between snacks, I’d eat passion fruit.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last February had 29 days. It wasn’t a leap year, but me and 28 of my clones each remember that month as… — Jarod Kintz Leap year Copy Share Image
“To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something… — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
