“An empty handshake, devoid of cash, is like a high-five, minus ten. ” — Jarod Kintz Empty hands Copy Share Image
“When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a cape, when I’m practicing my anti-superhero drills in Grandmother’s basement and defying her wishes to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some… — Jarod Kintz Fast food Copy Share Image
“I’m like Mary Annette, but I’m not a marionette. Who’s Mary Annette? The first woman of color to be elected to Phi… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I don’t get offended when you talk about the Japanese. Not because I’m not one, but because I’m not 120 million of… — Jarod Kintz Japanese Copy Share Image
“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like that?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t just have arms to embrace you; it also has arms that attach to the hands that slowly strangle you.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.” — Jarod Kintz Friday night Copy Share Image
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth… — Jarod Kintz Peanut butter Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so… — Jarod Kintz Dark Copy Share Image
“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).” — Jarod Kintz True story Copy Share Image
“The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“I’d like to play a game of Marco Polo—in the 13th century.” — Jarod Kintz Marco polo Copy Share Image
“I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.” — Jarod Kintz Alarm clock Copy Share Image
“I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of my talent, and boy does my talent itch. It’s like a red mosquito bite… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m tired of thinking about Agatha. Well, not about her, but about my loss of her. Today I went through some old… — Jarod Kintz Bad day Copy Share Image
“When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you… — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)” — Jarod Kintz Fair share Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We went for a walk, though we didn’t hold hands because we went in separate directions.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she… — Jarod Kintz New girl Copy Share Image
“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“A zebra is the piano of the animal kingdom. And I am the flute at the nudist colony, if you know what… — Jarod Kintz Animal kingdom Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose would smell like?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
