“I put the “phony” in symphony. Will you be attending my fake concert? It’s a black-tie event. Shirts, jackets, pants, and shoes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to symbolize my fear. You may snicker and call me an irrational coward, but many people are… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“Politics is scripted for maximum shock that will lead to gossip and speculation. We are living in a sketch comedy zone. Everything… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll only date a girl if she has a lot of class. And if she is 18, I don’t care if that’s… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“Somewhere, on some sidewalk, is a piece of gum with my shoe’s imprint patterned on it. You must find it and bring… — Jarod Kintz Justice Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Andrew Jackson Copy Share Image
“There are 26 characters in the alphabet, and what characters they are! Especially Q.” — Jarod Kintz Character Copy Share Image
“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I am the alphabet soup of love. Eat me or read me, but don’t feed me to the cats.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I don’t beat around the bush. Especially since I like my women clean shaven.” — Jarod Kintz Clean shaven Copy Share Image
“She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the… — Jarod Kintz Dance floor Copy Share Image
“For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I want a driveway so long you couldn’t see the end of it even if you were 26.1 miles into running a… — Jarod Kintz Running A Marathon Copy Share Image
“When you’re a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I thought I was placing my hand on her knee. But it turned out to be her saggy boob.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thank God I have enough skin to cover my entire body. But just barely. If my penis were a mere 2.54 centimeters… — Jarod Kintz Thank god Copy Share Image
“If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My advice to men is this: Don’t rape a Pringles can, because empty does not mean void of no.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the… — Jarod Kintz Construction industry Copy Share Image
“I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly ½ of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Batman’s cape would make a great canvas for a cave painting.” — Jarod Kintz Painting Copy Share Image
“I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.” — Jarod Kintz Gas prices Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherever they are going.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn’t our names summarize who we are?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love a man who wears an eye patch. For me, Dress-Like-A-Pirate Day… — Jarod Kintz Once a year Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in religious ceremonies. After all, it is slightly better than using live human sacrifices.” — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“Is it better to pull someone, or push them to succeed? I have no idea, but will you be my slinky?” — Jarod Kintz Motivational Copy Share Image
“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
