“If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.” — Jarod Kintz Drink Copy Share Image
“Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.” — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I’ve got ears like a rabbit, and a penis like a baby carrot—fully erect, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Erect Copy Share Image
“With issues regarding nipples, I always try to stay abreast of the subject.” — Jarod Kintz Nipples Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out. ” — Jarod Kintz Warm Body Copy Share Image
“Every leap year I like to jump. It’s a good way to get my daily exercise in every four years.” — Jarod Kintz Daily exercise Copy Share Image
“If you’re hungry, eat one of my new starvation pills. They taste like silence. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more… — Jarod Kintz Heart transplant Copy Share Image
“I’m not in the City of Love, but I am in love. That’s why I look like I’m crazy, because being crazy… — Jarod Kintz Crazy Copy Share Image
“I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big… — Jarod Kintz Big mistake Copy Share Image
“Please don’t step on my penis. And pick it up off the floor if you see it’s fallen out of my pocket.” — Jarod Kintz Penis Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container.… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.” — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“Even though I knew she needed to get something off her chest, I was hoping it wasn’t her big, beautiful breasts.” — Jarod Kintz Breasts Copy Share Image
“I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That's because it… — Jarod Kintz Book love Copy Share Image
“If you ask most little boys what they want to be when they grow up, they say things like fireman, elite esports… — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it’s sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And… — Jarod Kintz Attract Copy Share Image
“If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another quite like it. This makes me sad, because… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“In the tortoise and the hair fable, I believe the tortoise represents big business, while the hair represents small business. Not featured… — Jarod Kintz Big business Copy Share Image
“The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out… — Jarod Kintz Healthy relationship Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I was trying to dissect love like it was a frog, and you were trying to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Don’t just compare yourself to the best, compare yourself to the average man and also to yourself when you started out. Compare… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a hammer. A brick could be both a tool and a building material in the construction… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She was in a coma, and had been unresponsive for years. Every Tuesday I’d visit her and read to her, and as… — Jarod Kintz Stabbed Copy Share Image
“I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and… — Jarod Kintz Orange juice Copy Share Image
“His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s… — Jarod Kintz Arnold Copy Share Image
“To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
