To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote". — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
