When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.” — steven wright Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
