Humor Quotes · Page 124

Sarcasm is a bodies natural defense against stupid.

— Anonymous

“She walks a tightrope between psycho and smokin'.”

— Daniel Marks

You look like something I'd draw with my left hand.

— Anonymous

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

— George Lopez

“I stared at my broccoli with all kinds of menace.”

— Juliann Whicker

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

— Lenny Bruce

Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts

— Jim Morrison

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

— Jim Norton

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

— Steven Wright

“Kissing him last night at the pep rally had been like kissing an underpass.”

— George Saunders

I love you. You are the object of my affection and the object of my sentence.

— Mignon Fogarty

“We can't predict what's going to happen, but having love is worth the risk.”

— Nina Crespo

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

— Steven Wright

“I could lose myself forever in that dark hair and those sweet love handles.”

— Vera Brosgol

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

— Ron White

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

— Henny Youngman

When synchronised swimming first appeared on TV, we laughed very heartily, and I, for one, applauded the decision to introduce humour into…

— Arthur Smith

Wit, after all, is a mighty tart, pungent ingredient, and much too acid for some stomachs; but honest good humor is the…

— Washington Irving

“May love to drop things so you’ll pick them up (which is indicative of a growing sense of object permanence — and…

— James Gaylord

“There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.”

— Frankie Boyle

I'm a prankster with a Monty Python sense of humor that somehow gets misrepresented in those tacky supermarket publications as bratty, snotty,…

— Catherine Oxenberg

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not"…

— Mitch Hedberg

In school, I was playing old men and women, babies, Russian people, and all sorts of weird parts - a lot of…

— Taylor Schilling

There was one dude in a jeans jacket who I swear to God shit in his pants when all of a sudden…

— Tommy Lee

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

— Russell Howard

“Paranoid means you are aware of 10% of the problem”

— Oran Kangas

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

— Jim Gaffigan

Laughter heals, gives solace, and is life enhancing.

— Liz Carpenter

“Honesty: what a refreshing slap in the face it is.”

— Timothy M. Brenner

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

— Steven Wright

“Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.”

— Carla H Krueger

“Wise is the fool who becomes a master at laughter.”

— Curtis Tyrone Jones

“A quick puke, two rails of blow and she was solid.”

— Carl Hiaasen

“Will everyone stop eating dinosaurs?' she frowned.”

— Neale Osborne

“Are you a degenerate, Fisher?" "I'm working on it.”

— Claire Gibson

Just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

— Silverstein

Tell meh this isn't funny! I mean its mean but funny

— Anonymous

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

If you are a good actor then you are good at comedy.

— Sajid Khan

May not go down in history, but I'll go down on you.

— Anonymous