I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.' — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem.… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses."… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other... — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday,… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
