I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
