I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.' — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses."… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
