I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
“Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.” — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
“Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
