I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil.… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
