The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know.… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?' — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.' — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
