You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs? — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know.… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
