I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
