Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
