Emo Philips

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

— Emo Philips

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

— Emo Philips

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

— Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

— Emo Philips

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

— Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

— Emo Philips

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

— Emo Philips

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

— Emo Philips

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

— Emo Philips

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

— Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

— Emo Philips

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

— Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

— Emo Philips

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

— Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

— Emo Philips

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

— Emo Philips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know.…

— Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd…

— Emo Philips

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's…

— Emo Philips

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it…

— Emo Philips

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about…

— Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave…

— Emo Philips

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't…

— Emo Philips

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a…

— Emo Philips

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was…

— Emo Philips

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18,…

— Emo Philips

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is…

— Emo Philips

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to…

— Emo Philips

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy…

— Emo Philips

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then…

— Emo Philips

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant…

— Emo Philips

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything…

— Emo Philips

The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?',…

— Emo Philips

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

— Emo Philips

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

— Emo Philips

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

— Emo Philips

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

— Emo Philips

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

— Emo Philips

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

— Emo Philips