Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like…

— Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with…

— Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

— Emo Philips

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

— Emo Philips

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's…

— Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

— Emo Philips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had…

— Emo Philips

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never…

— Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum…

— Emo Philips

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

— Emo Philips

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a…

— Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

— Emo Philips

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all…

— Emo Philips

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

— Emo Philips

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of…

— Emo Philips

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

— Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

— Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it,…

— Emo Philips

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be…

— Emo Philips

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

— Emo Philips

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the…

— Emo Philips

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

— Emo Philips

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose…

— Emo Philips

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

— Emo Philips